A slap in the face

Today, Day 2 of AF, day 2 of knowing that unless we pay lots and lots of money we're not going to be pregnant - I get two emails at work. Both emails announce with excitement that the mailer is ... yeap, you guessed it, pregnant. And, how pregnant, you might ask?

Well, they each just had their 8 week u/s and just couldn't keep the excitement inside anymore.

I don't have words to express my feelings as I read these emails today. I can say that thankfully they didn't arrive until the end of the day. So, I was able to send my fake as hell congratulations emails, and then pack up my belongings and get the hell out of dodge.

I came home, and to drown my sorrows...

I put up our outside Christmas decorations. The house looks nice now. I don't feel any better and I really don't want to go to work tomorrow and see either of those two women.

I'm happy for them - I am. I realize that I don't know for sure what either of them may have been through on their route to pregnancy, and I don't know what their roads may bring in the future. But... well, I'll be honest, I don't want to see them and have to smile and say congratulations. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep the next week away. Try to get through Christmas.

Sigh. The hits just keep on coming.

Next steps

Yeap, you guessed it, no luck this month. And, we're not going to keep "wasting" money on IUI when it's not working for us.

I'm feeling like crap, of course. Not physically, just emotionally. Not as bad as last month, but not good. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm feeling a bit defeated.

I'm not willing to stop trying. I'm not at that point where I can say that we're done trying, that we're going to live child-free.

So, that means we need to get online and really do some research into IVF. There are 2 clinics locally. One clinic is the one we went to last spring for our IUI. I'm not feeling all that good about going there, since I was not pleased with their care when I was an IUI patient. But, I'm not going to automatically rule them out for two reasons: 1. I don't know what their prices are, and since we're self-pay, that matters. 2. They have a fairly high success rate and have been voted by some magazine (don't ask me which right now, my brain is fried) as one of the top 10 Fert. Clinics in the US.

The other one, I've not heard anything about. They post their prices online, so I have a basic idea of the cost to go to them. I don't know anything about their success rates, nor any idea on what people who've gone there think about them.

Of course, before we do anything, Muni and I need to sit down and figure out what we're willing to do and all to save the money for the IVF, make a timeline as to when is the latest we want to have enough saved so that we can do an IVF cycle.

Then, we need to make some consultation appointments and do some online research.

And, we need to get our heads wrapped around it all.

I think that'll be the hardest part.

I know that my last post was all about the blessings, and while what I wrote is still true, right now I'm having a hard time really seeing that there is a blessing in all of this.

I don't know that I'll ever really understand. Anything. About any of this. I don't know that I'll ever be able to say that there was a good reason for us to go through this. To see my husband's face drop last night when I told him that AF had started.

It's hard enough dealing with my sadness, my feeling of inadequacy and uselessness. But, it's a million times harder not to melt into a ball of tears when I see the sadness and disappointment on his face.

In case I haven't said it before, and in case I never say it again (because I'm more in control of my thoughts and fingers, lol), this SUCKS!

SUCKS!

SUCKS!

SUCKS!

SUCKS!

Right. I'm done. Going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

The Blessings of Infertility

Since Muni and I began to TTC, I've read a lot of blogs, forums, and articles on infertility. I've read in so many places of how the relationship of the infertile couple gets more and more tense and difficult as the journey continues.

I have to say that in some very small ways, this infertility has been a blessing on our relationship. We've become so much closer, so much more loving since we've had to face this. We have had the opportunity to really see how much we depend on each other for support, love, attention, comfort.

We used to only say I love you once or twice a week. Don't ask why, it's just who we were. Now, we say it all the time. We cuddle more. We hold hands more. We send each other cute little text messages saying how much we miss each other while we're at work, and that we love each other.

If I could go back and not be infertile, I would. But, at the same time, I've found that there are some good things that have come from it. And that, in itself, is it's own blessing.

I passed!!!!!!!!!!!!

I passed the teacher certification exam that I had to take for the open position in my school!! I'm SO excited! :D

Of course, they interviewed for the position today. I don't know if they could give a reason for an extra emergency interview on Monday or if they'll have to repost the position, but YAY! either way, I'm qualified for the position now!

Yippee! Full time teaching position here I come!!

***********************************************************

No real news on the TTC yet. Today is 10dpo. My temps are still raised (going up a little bit each day even now). We did the deed the two days before O, the day of O, and had the IUI the day after O. The doc was also very pleased with his motility of the boys on the day of the IUI, so...

Symptoms include the normal - really sore boobs, somewhat tired and that's about it. CM is increasing and getting creamier, but that's not all that abnormal for me either. It usually will move back and forth until the day before AF is due anyway.

Fingers crossed, though. It would be nice to get a teaching position and a BFP at the same time, but I'm trying not to get too hopeful so I don't get too disappointed either.

A fine line - a very fine line.

:D

Last Try IUI

So, this will be our last attempt at pregnancy using IUI. We decided a while back - after the failures at the RE's office - that we'd give it two more tries, then start saving, saving, saving for IVF.

I'm on Femara again, have a u/s follicle check on Monday the 23rd, which will be CD13. Hoping that this is the last month I have to wait and wonder.

Should this one fail like all the others have, then we'll start saving for IVF. I've done some research on clinics in the area and costs. There's one that does a cycle for 6500, including meds. And if the first cycle doesn't work, the second is only 5500 and the third only 4500. It doesn't include freezing, though... which might be an issue.

They have a 4 cycle deal for 17,000. Unfortunately, if the first cycle works, there's no refund of any money. Also that plan doesn't include medications.

Either way, in comparing the costs of this place versus others, it does seem to be one of the least expensive. If we needed ICSI, though, we'd have to pay an additional 750.00. For cryopreservation, it'd be 500.00 (that would include 1 year of storage) and for a frozen cycle it'd be 1250.00. So basically, if we needed a frozen cycle, plus ICSI, we'd still only pay 9,000. (Plus meds, I'd imagine, for the frozen cycle).

Either way, it sounds mostly duable. We'd have to save for quite a while to get that, and they do offer payment plans with an initial deposit of 3200.00, which would help us decrease the amount of time we'd have to wait to start.

And, with me changing positions in the school, I'll be making more than double what I'm making now, which should help us save more quickly.

Of course, we're still hoping and praying that we won't need this... that this month will be the last month we have to try with no success. But it doesn't hurt to be prepared with the information so that we can make an informed decision later.

Charlie Brown

Me: "So, yeah, nope again."

Charlie Brown's teacher: "Wah, wah wah wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!"

Me: Sigh.


I think Charlie Brown's teacher said it best.


*********************

BBT dropped below coverline today, 15dpo. AF to arrive this evening.

I still think Charlie Brown's teacher said it best.

Photography Post

Feeling the need to take a break from the whole TTC of it, so I figured I'd post some new pics I took.

Yesterday, the hubs and I, along with two of our friends, went to an air show hosted locally. There were lots of cool biplanes, as well as quite a few jets. Including the Blue Angels, who put on a very nice show.

Today, while I was supposed to be studying for this certification test I have on Tuesday morning, I worked on the pics I took yesterday and got some uploaded.

I'd love to hear what you think... :)








Feel free to click on any of the pics to see them larger. :)

Follow Up

Follow up on Friday confirmed by u/s that I did ovulate in the previous 3 days. Temps confirmed.

There was fluid under the ovary, as well as around the uterus. Additionally, the corpus luteum showed fluid as well as a decrease (6mm) in size from the previous u/s when it still contained the maturing egg.

Fingers and toes crossed. Today was 5 days after the hCg trigger, and I tested to see how much of it was still in my system. The positive was extremely faint, so that means if I test next Saturday, it should be accurate.

So, yay. One can hope. :D


Also, Fair, we definitely Bd'ed ourselves on the two days after the IUI. So, we've done as much as we can, I think, for our chances this month. Hopefully, we won't need another month.

IUI Update & More

Today was a busy day.

I had my follicle check for this month's IUI. For that, I had to leave work early, but luckily I work with great people, so it was good.

U/S Results from 5 days on 2.5mg of Femara:

Right Ovary: 1 follicle, 20.4mm
Left Ovary: 3 small follicles
Lining: 7.5mm

Novarel shot. IUI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, late.

I'm feeling pretty good about our chances. Today is CD12, IUI will be on CD13. The best part of it is that this is the ovary that didn't respond well on Clomid at all. When it was dominant on Clomid, it developed very late and I didn't have the IUI until CD18, I think.

Anyway, so it's good news.

_____________________________________________________

In other news, work related issues. We had a meeting today regarding the open position. Turns out that the teacher was asked to resign. They want to give me the position.

I've signed up to take the ESE Certification exam. I've also changed the date of the exam to make it as soon as possible.

They're not going to post the position as available until just about when I'm certified. That way they don't have to worry about being forced to hire someone with the certification over me. I'll have to re-interview for the position, but we worked it out this afternoon so that all the students I currently see will still be serviced and the 5th grade will be serviced better.

In the meantime, I'm going to study, study, study for the exam... read IEP's constantly, and try to sit in on someone else's IEP meeting so I can see how they're led.

_________________________________________________

Today, I'm feeling hopeful and excited. I feel like I'm reaching the end of one part of my journey towards being a mother and a teacher. That I'm about to turn the corner towards the next part of the journey - where they both come true for me.

It's nice to feel so hopeful. It's strange, but nice. :D


And thank you, to everyone wishing me luck. You have no idea how much that helps! :D

The Rain has ended...

and the sun is shining, with a nice beautiful bright rainbow glimmering high above.

The work dilemma has ended, and I didn't have to make any decisions, apparently.

Today, while talking with my principal about whether or not he'd heard from the middle school principal, he tells me not to make any decisions until next week. He might have a position available early next week.

He asks me if I'm ESE certified, again, and again I explain that I'm not but that I'm willing to take the test.

So, he says great...

I also have known that there's a particular teacher (LY) in the building who's brand new and not well liked. Not because of her personality, but because of her work ethic. She's been in a part-time position, and still has a lot of free time during the day when she's not working with students. She's not really doing what she's supposed to, not writing clear lesson plans...you know, basically not doing her job.

When he mentioned an ESE position, clearly it was her position. Sounded like they were letting her go, or something along those lines.

But, there was no confirmation of any of that, of course.

Until this evening. I got a FB pm from the teacher I work with now. She received an email from LY stating that due to personal reasons having to do with her graduate studies, she was resigning (effective immediately) from the position she's holding at the moment.

Which means on Monday morning, they're going to unofficially offer me the position. (At least, that's the way it sounded).

It has to be unofficial because they have to post the position, I have to apply, and they have to do interviews and all.

Therefore, I am signing up to take the ESE Certification test, and will then be sending it in for my ESE certification.

I'm so excited! (worried a little about how quickly this might happen, and what they'll do to cover the position I'm currently in, but excited.)

It's finally happened, I'll be a full time TEACHER again!! YAY! WooHoo!!! Yippeee!!

Only 1 more thing and all of my dreams really will be coming true!